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| With how I’m treating this blog, it appears to have become a refuge for me. In times of sheer depression, weakness, and loss, it’s the place where my thoughts go out – a mere outlet of anything and everything I can’t let out to anyone.
It’s been almost a year of being single… and what have I learned? December 23 would be the official date actually, but since I can already foresee how things will go, I might as well post it now.
This time, sharing won’t be enough in this blog post. I’d have to admit that acceptance and regrets must also be here, to let whoever chances on reading this feel that they should be either pitiful, happy, vengeful, or whatever it is that they get through reading this have that simple grin and say “I told you so” or “buti nga” or what not.
It’s been a tough road, it started by shrugging off the idea that I’ve been in a four year long relationship before, and it ends with me shrugging off the idea that I’ll ever need someone else again to stand and put her in the center of my world. Pretty ironic, but that’s the truth. My relationship with Rebecca Yap Decena then and there, admittedly, is something I’d have to be thankful about. In all honesty, it still holds true, that she deserves what I said then and there, that she is that ideal girl. Remembering how she prepared food for me in our high school days (well, Ate Gina was the one who cooked it but it’s the thought that counts I guess, hehe), how we walk together from and to school together, how we enjoy the simple moments of just being in their home eating, sleeping, watching, or what-not, all were, or should I say are, still a bliss to me.
An opportunity came last summer, as I mentioned in this blog’s previous entry. The reasons were all but a blur then when I wrote it, yet the decision’s clear. Given the chance, I would’ve really went back and allow me of that chance to experience the same happiness again, regardless of the fact that the quarrels, insecurities, and everything will all come back together with it. Unfortunately, the biggest wall that we would have had to conquer was my family’s disapproval of having ourselves together again. I knew I could fight for it again and prove them wrong, but after my family saved me from a terrible breakdown when Becky and I broke up in December, I can no longer go against them and disrespect their choice. I’m tired of fighting and taking sides – and which is why I now spilled the beans… the real reason behind everything. That’s when I made that decision, to deprive myself of that chance, a chance that was already waiting for me, happiness, bliss, or what could have been.
In making that decision though, came the acceptance that I’d have to tell it to Becky herself... that I don’t want to give us a chance again, which I did, and which I hated myself most for. To hurt someone like that is the worst that I could’ve ever done in my entire life. Worst is that, it was because I wanted the easy way out… to avoid fighting, problems, etc. What a monster I turned out to be.
After Becky, I knew I had to try again, learn a new, and explore just as the way she coined it when we broke up last Christmas break. So I ventured… with Nef. Nef’s all okay honestly, I can’t say anything negative about her… even the fact that she’s frank is a positive trait of hers. Unfortunately, as it neared the point where it could’ve already been “us”, a realization came out… that it wasn’t actually love, but simply the feeling of wanting to have a close friend, to tell everything and anything you want to air out to. Yet again, another mistake… and yet again, I had to break and hurt someone’s hurt – better than living a lie as my friends suggested, but man, I’m just filled with guilt whenever I remember what I did. It was a lesson learned, that at times, unsure emotions doesn’t necessarily mean they are emotions that will surely be better… because at times, such emotions are just simply as-is, they need not be elevated to establish a “higher” relationship quo… and what a terrible mistake it was… and I really am up to now sorry for having done so… It was great though, chatting at the wee hours, bringing her home, and doing requirements together, it was a heartwarming time. I’d have to admire Nef though, for having to accept me as a friend even after that disaster…
After that mistake though, came coincidence. I never expected that the same mistake could happen elsewhere too, and well, in this case, as if fate, it happened with Riela. Turned out that she asked her suitor to stop, not just because the suitor’s mother disapproves of her, but also because of the fact that she thought there was something, when in fact there wasn’t. Suddenly there came a time for us to talk, converse, in ways that we normally don’t (everytime we talked in our entire stay in college, it was nothing but requirements, now was just the time that it was something more). Sharing of how there’s this one person had a significant role in the college life, admittance of who it was, developments here and there, and moreso – Singapore! That was the best experience honestly… but it’s also the moment when her previous suitor came to talk to her and tell her that this time around, his parents approve of her and that he’s going all out. Suddenly, things got complicated.
Aside from being complicated, rumors also circulated as well… one is that I was told by Riela to stop months ago already, and two is that she and her ex-suitor passionately kisses now. Its rumors that I refuse to believe up to now, as I do have my trust in Riela. However, as I’m now given the time to think and assess things, those rumors don’t even matter if I were to make a choice actually. Seeing, and knowing the difference of her being with that guy and her being with me do tell the difference. It’s obvious that regardless of the fights she and that guy have, she is obviously a lot happier still with him. That regardless if I’m the one who’s more frequent in being with her physically, it’s the rare visits of that guy that counts more. The feeling of being unappreciated for what you’ve done, the feeling that nothing’s improving as the day passes, has now allowed me to make a choice.
Knowing us two, we both are unable to speak directly what we have in mind. So, this time, to make things simple, and so that it would be easier for her… her idea of me being “busy” at work, being a workaholic, etc., is something I’d allow her to prove to herself as right. Regardless if I’m actually able to accomplish work daily with plenty of time left to visit and date… I’d make it easy for her, I’d let her simply go, to that guy she continuously complains about them having a fight, yet obviously she’s deeply in love with.
The odd thing about everything I guess is that I don’t feel any sort of anger even. Well, aside from not having the right (it didn’t even become “us”), it’s just that I don’t. I guess as I mature, I can look at the positive things more… I was able to play my part anyways… support her when everyone else can’t, help her, and be that reliable thesis mate to her, I’ve done it and served. Thing is, I’d have to realize and accept I guess that that’s all that we could be. That to further try and attempt to compete with another suitor would only damage what was established as a colleague, and the possibility of losing everything in its entirety. Bottom-line, I’m just happy for her. I know she can live without me anyways, so there’d be no sense in feeling down about it – I’d just have to accept I guess the fact that it’s not of cowardice, but of the reality, that it just wasn’t meant to be – maybe not now, and maybe not ever.
Aside from a disastrous attempt to lift myself off the “single” status though, the year proved one thing as well… that Becky had the entire right to call me “Jr” instead of “Berto” after we had that finality. Through this year, I was able to gauge and assess myself, and learn that all these experiences enabled me to become stronger and find ways of existing for something far more than for anyone else… I was finally able to leave some space for myself and live for myself. This “Jr” has become too strong that it can stand on its own. After learning from the past, I improved myself by being career-oriented rather than family-oriented, to be more objective rather than subjective, and to be more rational and logical rather than being emotional. The “Berto” side had that futile attempt to let itself live again when Riela came, but after things became complicated and it was then time to realize and accept that the efforts doesn’t seem to be doing anything, it’s a time to turn the flag down and finally put an end to that melancholic and hopeless romantic “Berto” that existed not for himself, but for the person he thought was the center of his world.
Definitely this “Jr” would have negatives with regards to prioritizing all else above relations, whether it be family, colleagues, or friends. But this side is now much more suited for me. This shift is required of me to prove myself further, to be respected by a father who looked down on me so much after that incident. For now, it will all just be for proving myself, working up the ranks, and growing further as a corporate tyrant rather than a mere speck of a romantic guy that couldn’t even get what he wants being hopeless as he is. Once I acquire power, honor, and respect, nothing else will matter, and that’s the way the path of my life should be – of excellence, rather than stupidity and arrogance.
Come after this blog post, that romantic side is gone. Really got tired of it already. lol. My apologies to the expectations of everyone of my interest of having a family and growing kids, having a home, etc. For this time, such measly dreams are no longer my point of interest… for this time, it’s career above all else.
Jr Galang, over and out.
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| After ten months since the fairytale ended (she did say she decided it ended on October), what has happened? How did it go? Where are we now? Or... who am I now?
It's been a while since I made a post in this blog, and due to the harshness of my course, after buying my domain last Christmas, I wasn't really able to capitalize on it and put it up as planned. Perhaps after graduation, I'll find the time.
I've finally reached the end of my college here at the De la Salle - College of St. Benilde, I'll be graduating on time. Unfortunately though, the casualty is high. It is a tough course, from 80 students that entered in our batch, only 24 will be graduating on time this October. Tough, real tough... and as if adding insult to injury, in that 24, none of them are my groupmates. Yes, I'm the only one in my "barkada", moreso my "pamilya", who'll graduate in time. It's as if the pain of being left behind is far less than being the one to survive. It's a sad part of life, and I really didn't expect life to show it to me in this way... those who were the very reason as to why I'll graduate in time will not be there with me come my graduation, and as hurtful as it is - I've already made the decision not to march up to the stage in my graduation. I'll just probably get my diploma some other time... reason? There's really no point to march when all that kept me going in CSB are my friends, Gian, Harvey, Jinno, Tim, Francis, Ellen, Angelia, Frida, and Nef. They are the reason I made it, and now that they won't be there, I just am at a loss for words. I really broke down on this, it's even the first that I approached my parents and had to speak of such a decision. I just cannot do it, and I definitely am not happy with how things went. While I tried to convince them to make an appeal for them to pass, it has eventually turned into a hopeless battle and a fight as if it is just for me to see them graduate with me as well on time. I'm just hurting them in the process, and so I had to make that decision to just let it be - now that the decision of the SMIT and our course chairperson is final. I know it's for the best, but it's something that will definitely take time for me to sink in.
Aside from that, there is a growing concern within me... in terms of love that is. Hence I posted this blog really, 'coz most of what happened in my love life lies here, and while nobody gives a damn to that, I find it relieving whenever I post it here and tell the world of what's going on in terms of my love life.
When Bec and I broke up last December, it was really a harsh road to travel. Life just didn't have the same meaning, color, and warmth, that it had before it ended. It took me till third week of January to know how easy it was for her to move on and find someone else, and it took me till March to finally carry on. I have my friends, college and high school, to thank for that. Their support was what made me realize how wrong I've been to turn them away for something as silly as a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. It may be because of youth that I was so obsessed with love, that it was all fun and worth it, regardless of distance and time, to fight for it, live for it, and be prepared to die for it - but reality slapped me that it's time to grow up, and there is indeed no such thing as happily ever afters. Life became much lighter after I moved on, I got back with being with my family, friends appreciated my return, and my life became more people-oriented, I gained the respect of a lot of people, and most of all, I was able to maximize the time in the realization that friends are better than anything else in the world.
It was also through my friends that I was able to let go of the hate and mourning of what happened between Bec and I. It was then that on the month of May, when things didn't go well with Bec and her new guy, I was able to approach her and for the least greet her "hi." It was enlightening, that I'm finally at least given the chance to be able to talk to someone I do actually miss talking to. Someone I spent four years of my life with and all. Although, that is something that lasted...
When we were able to converse again, the opportunity of reliving the past and go back in her arms were all there, but such opportunity didn't last long. Eversince we broke up in December, it appears I have lost my sense of commitment, a reason to pursue or go into a relationship. All's missing... and I really don't have a clue as to why. To put it in words, all I can say I guess is "I don't have the heart" anymore.
When she asked if I really don't want to give our relationship another chance, I just had to say no. It hurts, but I'd rather speak out what I think rather than make her expect. I really don't know what I want anymore, I no longer see her as that woman who I'll wait for at the aisle and marry. I have to admit, I'm a consistent liar, hence the reason why the relationship always had its fault, but rather than resume something that is filled with incompatibilities that long before were the issues that we never were able to address, it was better to put it into a stop - a closure... is what's needed.
After saying no, I tried to pursue two ladies... I honestly liked the first, but there was no spark to begin with... the second, I don't know why I even tried... It's just that there's no momentum to keep it going, it's like I lose interest too soon, and I don't know why, but I'm just a total wreck in the commitment part. What happened to me really? I'm that hopeless romantic before, able to give my all for that special someone and leave all the rest behind, but after the first, why is it so damn hard to find interest in it again? It just puzzles me... and my friends actually fear that I may have lost the touch of being serious in a relationship. I am just scared of what happened, it's like a played the girls after Bec for a fool.... even Bec perhaps.... and I really find shame in what I've done. It just isn't me to hurt a woman's heart, and while I keep on looking back, I keep wondering why? What happened to me? Why is this me? At times I'm puzzled if this is because my friends and family are now what I perceive are of higher priority than a "special someone", or if its because I really just lost interest in the darn thing... but overall I'm disappointed in myself. I really don't know why I lost my touch, or my sense of commitment, but one thing's sure, and that it's really gone.
Someone's prediction of me being a bachelor really scares me, but if it's for the best, to prevent having to hurt another woman with my stupidity, or my fading interest, then I guess it's something I have to live with. It's just a shame really, after backreading all the entries here... I can't figure out what kind of beast have I turned out to be... and for now, this is the post mortem for this blog, the author is officially a mess, a lost soul, not knowing what happened to him, or what changed him... but overall, it's a disaster - sheer disaster. | | |
| Already bought my own domain for everyone to checkout. It's still under construction, but it's there. For details, feel free to check it out at http://www.robertogalang.com. God bless to everyone and season's greetings! | | |
| If this blog was a book, this would be the end of the page...
Ad Finem, at the end of the page, in the world we walk into, there can never be a fairytale ending. Human as we are, emotions tend to be repetitive, uncontrolled, enraged. It ruins the cause of living, the existence of life, the purpose of having relationships.
At the early morning of the 19th of October, my relationship with Rebecca Yap Decena, the love of my life, has gone to its abrupt end. Clueless of what I've done wrong the night before, she just gave me that usual angry look whenever I tap her, and shrugs off my hand as I try to know what's wrong. This has been repetitive for some weeks now, and I really felt as if I'm trash. It's not funny that everytime I spend the night at their house, I have to deal with this. You can't even sleep comfortably thinking that something's wrong. What could be her reason then? It's always like this, you have to act like a psychic to even know the reason, and if your psychic sense is just too stupid, you can never tell. You just have to wait for her to go back to normal and talk to you again. I mean, what, is it because of a stupid phone lock that I used because a classmate just keeps messing up with my phone? Is it because of my laptop's wallpaper with me and my friends forming a circle? Does she think I've got another lie up my sleeve in that pic? WHAT?! Still wanting to calm her down and ask what's wrong, she just continued pretending to sleep while still shrugging my hands off. In my frustration and worry that this will be another sleepless night just because of her wanting me to play psychic, I just whispered "I'll just go home", took my belongings and went out of their front door.
After closing the door, I received an SMS from her saying "break na tayo." As if intentionally adding to the frustration, I just shook my head and realized how come it's so easy for her to ask for a break? Did I court another woman for her to even ask for it? Come on, I may be a liar, but the most truthful thing I ever have told the whole world is my feelings for her, and that I love her. I don't get the point as to why use my lies against me, it's not as if those lies are to hide the fact that there's a third party now is there? So I replied back, considering that it's as if that easy to let go of me, that I said it may "perhaps be time to really mean what we say." A series of messages just went on, till I just lost my interest in replying back that I just forced myself to sleep, with her word "honesty" and "problema ko na yun di ba?!" grueling me up to my very dreams. I never really liked the fact that whenever she's angry, everyone else has to be angry. And everytime you try to point out her mistake when she's mad, she gets back at you with your MISTAKES - as if you're the only one in the relationship who ever even did wrong!
Waking up, I was just able to read "couldn't sleep" in my inbox. In another set of messages, I just replied "hindi mo naman ako papaniwalaan kahit na sabihin kong mahal kita", with a gruesome reply of "it's because di nawala ang lies." Tell me now dear blog, how can the lies go when she insists there still are plenty? How can the lies go if she feeds it in the first place? Why, even if someone hacked my blogs, sites, and everything else, did I not try to restore the contents? Why do I consistently erase messages from my female classmates? Why do I even have to hide pics of me and my friends going out somewhere to do a God-forbidden requirement by a bald and terror professor? If she never placed malice on all that I do, my SMS, my friends, my group, my drive-outs, would there even be a need for me to hide these things? Well if it's because I broke this relationship before with a grave lie, and that the succeeding lies seems to be a lot worse than what was in December of 2006, then I'm SORRY! Happy now?! You love insisting on my lies right? Well, there you have it! I'm sorry for the petty lies, I'm sorry that you have to put malice on my tasks, my activities, my messages, my friends, EVERYTHING! It's my fault right?! It's always my damn fault for lying and not being able to be the most honest guy in the whole wide world!
Yet, hey, when you look beyond my lies, you never realized have you? If those lies were to hide the fact that I've fallen out of love for you, then why, up to your fourth year in college, would I even travel 30 kilometers from home and another 30 back just to bring you to your house? Why would I even be worried that if you took a commute, it would be dangerous? Why would I even be concerned that someone might hurt you? Why would I even spend the entire weekend at your house just to spend time with you? Why would I even find loose schedules within the weekdays just to visit you and give you comfort, food, love? Why WOULD I even spend FOUR YEARS of my life LOVING you? You clinged onto my lies, and it's my lies that you realize, not the love I was willing to share with you for the rest of my life. And please don't tell me that you're just scared that some other girl might take me away from you, 'cause through you, I've learned, I grew, and I realized the broad difference between a woman I'd be willing to spend a lifetime with from a woman I can only consider as a friend that can never be able to weigh the same love that I have for you. And please, this is not to enumerate what I've done for you just so I can slap it up to you, it's simply for you to realize and nothing else.
In the end of our love story, I'd just have to accept that I'm not that honest guy for you. I don't fit your requirements, your tastes, I simply am a failure that just keeps insisting that I'm not. I do hope that you're happy now that I accepted how much of a liar I am. I'm also human, I do not have the unlimited patience that our good Lord gives, and therefore I also lose my temper whenever you lose yours, and I lose it more when you have it when I don't even have a clue to the reasons behind it. I do hope though that you realized what goes beyond those lies. I now know that no matter how much effort I tried to bring back the trust after the cold December of 2006, you can never give me that trust back. The point of trying to patch this back is as blurry as the mists surrounding our coasts - it will be just like that December of 2006, when, after all the patching, every quarrel, every mishap, would just have to hit rewind and the process just has to go over and over again. I'm pretty sure you can relate. Your sudden mood swings, your sudden treatment of me as trash, your doubts if I truly love you even after all the challenges we've been through I'm still with you, it just keeps coming back right? I won't ever try to state your mistakes again, for I'm pretty sure it will just be retaliated with a series of my mistakes. And just to make sure, my mistakes are all here now, all bare and naked - just like you want it.
How ironic it is that right at the fourth year of this love, it ends... and as if adding insult to injury, it ends abruptly. And what? Will you even do something about it? You never fought for what you feel, you never made a move, you either just let things go or let things be... You even quickly change your profile pages, our relationship in multiply, wherever! It's like you're already willing to accept without even asking what could be and what could be more. It has to be me, right? It's always me.
Reading through the first pages of this blog, I've realized how much this love could've been, could be more, could be best... But this is the time to accept that no one's just gonna do something about it. Just like a system of intricate webs patched by a spider everytime the rain pours, the webs it has spun can never be as perfect as what it originally was. And as the challenges increase with every spun it makes, the spider soon dies in the exhaustion that it has failed to do something about it.
This is us, unable to face and continue the challenges left for us to take. This is us, unable to set aside each other's differences and shortcomings. This is us, unable to change for the benefit of this relationship. This is us, unable to pursue our future plans, a family, our home, our married life. This is us, at the abrupt end of our relationship. And as the song of this blog ends, I can never say we didn't try to make this work for you and I. We're better off separated. And if you'd let this be just as it is now... then let me be the first to say, as the tears in my eyes have all dried out, that I'm sorry... I'm sorry we didn't make it.
-RDG, "Otleb", "Berts", "Berto" | | |
| I have started my shopify account and am now selling my first five products. Wish me luck! Link is: http://jrgalang.myshopify.com | | |
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